Give Me a Break

Aaahhh 'tis finally winter break. Here on this blog post are pictures from the short couple of days we had off for Thanksgiving (including a video of me playing part of a song I wrote on the piano when I had one). I took a trip to Illinois and Iowa because I was dying to see my friends and family. It had been almost a year since I saw my brothers. They traveled from Virginia to Iowa and I obviously came from California. We met in the middle!

You know...I got asked a lot over that little break, "Where do you see yourself after college?" I told everyone that asked me "I don't know, I'm just going to see where life and my career takes me." That's all I can do. It's scary. I think about the extreme cost of living in California, but I also think about the opportunities this place has. I think about all of the other family I have in other places and its cheaper costs, but I also think about the dreams I've had for over half of my entire life and wonder if they'd even be possible in other places in this moment.

They are so tall! The youngest is still
one inch shorter than me though. HA!

The last night I was in Iowa, I was with a bunch of family including my brothers. My friend came to pick me up so we could drive at midnight to the airport in Chicago for my flight at six in the morning. As soon as I got into the car with her I broke down. My heart was warm despite the coldness outside. My eyes were overwhelmed with tears. I told my friend to just drive because sitting outside the house longer with everyone I knew in it made it more difficult. It was one of those moments where I knew I could easily go back inside, but saying goodbye twice is harder than saying goodbye once.

I had never left the Midwest that upset before. It could be because of several of things. When I got back to my apartment in Isla Vista and I was alone, I then realized the main reason. The most difficult part about my situation is the fact that my family and friends live all over this country. It's hard to feel whole when you're family is so separated. I have family in California, Arizona, Illinois, Iowa, Washington, North and South Carolina, New York, Wisconsin....etc. Yet here I was, in my apartment completely alone after a visit that reminded me I wasn't. I'm living in a college town with strangers who are starting to become friends. Soon I will be moving out of this college town into another one starting all over again. It's exciting to be young, in college, and having so much ahead of me. At the same time, I've been moving around this country my whole life and have always yearned to settle down. Even though this is true, that doesn't mean I should disregard my own dreams any less, nor be afraid to move another time for the better of my life. Because now, I am in control.  Yes, it sucks that I can't be surrounded by all my family and friends no matter where I end up. However, no matter where I end up I can make the most of the family and friends I do have in that place.

Here I sit by myself in my one-bedroom college apartment getting stuff accomplished before I head out to Virginia in a week to visit family and friends once again. Before I booked my flight, I thought about everyone else in other places that I want to see. I'm already driving with my family from VA to NC and SC. There comes a time when you think about everyone else so much that you need to give yourself a break. I had to make myself buy this ticket to Virginia and Virginia alone because I need to focus on myself a bit (also kind of broke). I'm never going to get the things I need and want to get done accomplished if I don't . So, I am giving myself a break to get sshhtuff done. Makes sense. Typical me.