Sicker than your Average

Literally... I'm "sicker than your average". I have been dealing with late affects of chemotherapy and will continue to the rest of my life. One of the things that chemo has effected me the most is my heart, and with my anxiety that is not a good combination. Lately I've been feeling really stressed with school, my living situation, and just wanting to go home for the holidays. I got sick yesterday morning and the past two weeks I've been feeling a tightness in my chest. I try to do things to distract myself from the stress, but that doesn't make it go away. I'm someone who likes to fix problems or get things I want accomplished for myself right away, but that isn't always possible. It's tough to be sick in college because you feel truly alone. Everyone is too far away to help you and you have to just stay strong. Although sometimes I'm literally sick and tired of being strong!

The thing I was most stressed about with school was signing up for classes and the whole DSPS disappointment thing I talked about in a separate blog here. I'd say out of everything, signing up for classes is the most stressful thing about college. This is my second semester coming up and I'm still not guaranteed I will get my general math class! I'm on the waiting list so *fingers crossed*.

Yesterday I went to the nurse's office here at school. It's located in the Student Services building right next to DSPS. I showed up ready to be helped, but they were going to close in twenty minutes so I set an appointment for this morning. I learned you can go here for free because you pay it in your Medical Health in your college bill. The appointment went well, however I didn't find out anything I didn't already know. The nurse told me that I need to go to Urgent Care, that I was brave, and she wanted to give me a hug...You know, the typically stuff, for me at least! She made me an appointment to talk with the counselor later today to hopefully give me some advice on reducing my stress and then I left. Apparently you can have up to 6 counseling sessions for free each semester.
Of course on the bus ride home I had to stand up when I wasn't feeling well. BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER a gentleman offered me to sit in his seat. I don't know if I looked like I was struggling, if he saw the tattoo on the back of my neck, or what but I took that offer. I said "sure" but what I really meant was "THANK YOU OMG YOU SAVED MY LIFE". Not really...but close :P Moral of the story is even if you do something little for someone, it can go a long way.

Goodbye Fishies

 I know you're all sad to find out that this is my last blog about

my Ocean Swimming class. But it was getting too cold, and the semester is coming to a close! This class ends a few weeks earlier than others because of the conditions so this past Thursday we took our final outside at the tables by the beach and had our delicious potluck. I had one of those feelings that you get when you have your last day of your favorite class. I want to thank my teacher Ingrid Schmitz for letting me continue this class when I was well...the caboose. I also want to thank her assistant Monica who stayed behind with me and my friend every day so we didn't swim alone and get eaten by sharks! :D

Ocean Swimming isn't like any old swim, for some people it can be a lifestyle. There is this 80 year old man I met at the beach and he does it every single day. He said it brings you happiness and health. If I didn't push myself too far, I always felt amazing after swimming. It's like you're in another world almost. Like I've mentioned before I have beat my timed swim by cutting the time in more than half! I definitely recommend taking this class if you want to get the full experience of going to a school like SBCC.

Our last day swimming on Tuesday last week was the roughest I've ever seen or swam! The water was extremely choppy which made it all the more fun. Ingrid said it'd be like going to an amusement park without the price. At first I was scared, but then it was fun! I just had to keep swimming, but every time the wave got high I came up and was like, "WOAH!"...then I started laughing of course. It was a great way to end our class with the highest record in water temperature Santa Barbara has seen in years! Also the potluck was a great way to end it, because I made my famous guacamole. If you haven't tried my guacamole or ocean swimming....you haven't lived. So live :) 

PS: I signed up for Spring Semester after my last day of this class, I'll let you know how that went in another blog.

Since when did Iowa send a tractor to our beach?

Inspiring Artist

Photoshoots are always fun, especially at the beach! Our marketing manager Billy took all told us to dress up in something that shows our dancing personality. He get's the photo-creds to all these pictures. Except there was one photo he was in, that one a random, older lady took of all of us, haha. This isn't my whole dance team, it's about half. State street Leadbetter Beach was the perfect place to take pictures to represent our SBCC Dance Team! Currently we finished working on Hip Hop and we are in Contemporary dance. I'd say Contemporary is my favorite, but Hip Hop was a lot easier! We all received nicknames for ourselves and I think mine fits quite well :)

Afterwards we took a stroll down State Street where they were having a huge farmers market all the way down the street. Oh, cannot forget to tell you that I had my favorite....Chipotle.

Quad Wars

     If you didn't already know, I live at Tropicana Gardens. It's a residency for mostly SBCC or also UCSB students. You pay for everything like food, wifi, living, etc all in one bill which makes it a lot easier. Not only that, but Tropicana is a great place to live your first year of college because they have so many activities where you can meet a bunch of students like yourself. Click here if you want to check out their website! We had a thing called "Quad Wars". It's a competition partaking all the different sections of the residency and a couple other nearby ones as well. I met some people I didn't even know were my neighbors! I found out their were a lot of blonde girls in my quad called Barbados. We are the Barbados Blue Jays but I like to think of us all the Barbados Blondes LOL. Anyway, you can check out the "war" in this video :) In the tug-a-war I'm the second one from the front!

DSPS

My Make a Wish Run

I had signed up for this first semester late because I got consumed in all the other plans I had to make to come out here. I also had arrived here right before school started from Virginia. This semester I didn't get the major classes that I needed to get my General Studies in. Then I met a friend who said she had anxiety as well. She said she just went through the DSPS (the Disability Counseling Center) to sign up for classes early and get extra time on tests. Within days I went to DSPS to talk to someone and found out my cancer and anxiety could get me in. I was told I either had to take a 300 question test to place me or show "proof" (a documentation of my diagnosis). I told one of the lady counselors that I might need extra time on tests and that chemo affected my brain which made my comprehension that I've always struggled with worse. I joked around saying, "My tattoo saying that I'm a survivor isn't enough?". Like I would get that just to get it? No! It's not enough, neither is all the pain and suffering I went through during my chemo treatment and my anxiety.My memories I see every day aren't either. About a month ago I asked my doctor for a documentation of my diagnosis. Never heard back from them. I called "about a week ago" saying that I hadn't received it. I was told she was in the hospital herself and that nurses have been really busy with the children who are currently going their for chemo treatment. 
Oh that stabbed me in the heart. I did not want to hear that they were busy, not for myself but for the children. It's heartbreaking to hear; I was one of them. Within a couple days I  refreshed my email and saw the documentation of my diagnosis. I was ready and I made an appointment to meet with a different counselor at the DSPS. 

Obviously cancer has affected me.

Yesterday I went to that appointment. From the full day I was already anxious and stressed about everything. Basically as soon as I sat down I was told that this documentation wasn't enough, that I needed proof of my side effects. My eyes started to flood with tears and I tried so hard not to let them fall. It hurts when I  have all the painful memories and it was the the hardest time of my life and I get told that that they can't believe it's a fact. I was told I need proof of the side affects when they were present right in front of his face. It'll be too late by the time I get the "proof of my side affects" from my doctor. I guess again I'll have to just hope I get the classes I need like everyone else. The problem however still exists that when I sign up for my math class, I'll need the extra time on tests this semester. I'm fairly decent at math, it just takes me more time to get the right answer. Anyway, I tried get out of the DSPS as soon as possible because I don't like to cry in front of people I don't know. Especially in front of someone who needs more proof that I had cancer. So I sat outside by a tree and called a couple people who are close to me to help comfort me. A security person who goes around the school came over while I was on the phone with a piece of paper that asked if I was okay. I nodded my head....I lied. 
I understand that in almost every situation you need a documentation of proof about everything because no one can trust anyone. I also understand people have to do their jobs. However, there are nicer ways a counselor can speak with you about it. It's just hard becoming an adult when a lot of my childhood slipped right out of my fingers. I can make a bet too that when I finish my autobiography book and I'm known for being the survivor, it still won't be enough proof. So far having to provide documentation for everything is the part I hate most about adult life. I'm just trying to mix my emotions from reality into this crazy world. Ahh!!

On another related note!!! Check out my childhood cancer organization SPECIALOVE I'm apart of. It its filled with the best, strongest people in the world and they deserve some attention :) Click here .

Happiest Place On Earth

Once upon a time I woke up before four in the morning when I didn't have to. Tropicana (my residency) sent me an email I didn't receive until 4:30 saying we didn't have to meet until 5:30 now. I was already, and so was my friend Katrina! The cafeteria was closed so we took a walk down into Isla Vista to get some coffee and snacks. An interesting idea it was... On our way we past by a restaurant with no one in it that was playing really creepy music. Right afterwards a skunk popped out from under a car and ran into a restaurant right in front of us. Next right before we get to the store two older creepy guys say something to us. This happens all the time. It was strange to walk down this area at the one time of the day no one is awake. Katrina and I got our Pumpkin Spice Lates and headed back to Trop. I ran back upstairs because I forgot my Minnie ears, but then I came to the realization that I didn't pack them :( We still were there kind of early, no one was there except this older lady who I found out was cancer survivor too. 

My most memorable memories of Disneyland was going on my summer visits, although I did go when I lived here. It was cool to see it in a different season. Shops were starting to stock up and Christmas things and the Haunted Mansion changed to a Nightmare Before Christmas theme. We stopped by a restaurant to watch a courtet. First they pulled Katrina up to sing with them while I recorded her. Then they pull me up! I'm used to being the person that watches people get pulled out of a crowd, not to be that person! They all fought to dance with me as you can see in the video. Also also also I went on the Finding Nemo ride for the first time, it was so cool! Even though it wasn't the real ocean, I've never been on a submarine before. When I left on the train ride back to the parking lot, we passed by a Disney worker who yelled, "I'm so pissed off!".....This is supposed to be the happiest place on earth right? I'll never look at the workers the same haha. This trip to Disney was the most memorable. I went on a different season, with 100 plus people, all for $55! Das amazin.

San Fran

She has the same name as my mom, it must be a sign- I can
tell we are going to be great friends :)

First of all, let me say I hope everyone had a safe Halloweekend here in Isla Vista. We are known to be the hotspot of parties, especially on this weekend. I celebrated early with my new friend from dance, Jacky, and a small group of people. We actually decided it'd be best for us to head up to San Francisco for the weekend. IV is filled with people from out of town, over 300 extra LA cops, and water and bathroom stations. I got a water bottle that said "Jesus loves you". As soon as I get to Jacky's friends house, one of their roommates throws a bottle from the balcony. Next thing you know cops bang on the door. I have never been so frightened, those cops were hitting the door like it wasn't someone's property. Eventually they gave up and left, and so did I. I left as the ANGELa I was...or am. When I got back to Trop I had to prove I lived there by scanning my finger, because no one else was allowed back.

The next morning Jacky and I headed up to San Fran on Halloween on perfect timing. Apparently it rained here on Halloween, putting the cops to shame. Well not entirely....but I'm sure it helped. After I dropped Jacky off in San Mateo I drove to my cousin's house in San Francisco. HOLY ANXIETY my GPS would tell me to make a left in .25 miles and change it's mind telling me to turn right in 5 feet when I was on the farthest lane. Moving on, I went with my cousin Alex (my mom's cousin) and his wife and daughter to her less extreme parties and trick or treating. It was FREEZING! So glad I live in California...well SoCal. San Fran was beautiful though in a different way that I've seen in California. I don't have any memory of being here before. The tall, steep hills made me grab on for life when I was the passenger in the car. They seemed difficult, but so pretty- they made the city. San Fran is just another reason to love California all the more. I saw the Golden Gate Bridge from Avery's soccer field and later babysat her, I saw the Full House house, and went to breakfast on Sunday at the Home Plate. It was a small, local restaurant so I thought that's why it was named what it was. It actually was named that because it had a baseball theme. Oh also, the Giant's Parade was happening when I got there, Jacky invited me, but I declined. LA all the way baby; Let's go Dodger's let's go!!!